Well, after all this talk about sex, I felt like it would be a great idea to move to some relationship-oriented discussions. Why not start at the top with a very basic question:What exactly IS a "functional relationship?"
I've been thinking a lot about this topic lately, trying to define it more precisely. My current relationship feels, empirically, like the most "functional" one in which I've ever been involved. I've been seeing this guy for nearly five months now and we've not quarreled once. He compliments me with class, he wants our friends to be friends, he cooks amazing dinners for me all the time, and he holds me until I fall asleep. Even as the high of a new relationship wears off, I'm still drawn to him as a man who offers me a unique sense of security and happiness in the many ways he shows his affection and intimacy.
So why do I still think about my ex? The man I dated for four years? The one that never called? Who constantly broke plans and left me disappointed? Who didn't care about my friends? Who blamed me for every single argument we ever had?
Who knew every single thing about me? Who would laugh with me for hours? Who wanted to adventure across the country with me? Who said the only thing missing from every exotic place he traveled was me?
I would like to define a functional relationship as one that is healthy for all parties involved, both emotionally and physically. My current guy is so even-keeled and safe that I never question how he feels about me. In contrast, my ex was such an emotional roller coaster who took me both to the depths of despair and the highest highs of love. Are we conditioned in today's society to think that these intense swings of emotion are healthy and real? And when we encounter a relationship that offers nothing but positive, steady affection, why do we question it? Why does the latter seem too good to be true?
So what kind of relationship is functional? What is most satisfying? Today, are we capable of believing the love we currently have is real, true, and what we need, regardless of the loves we've had in our pasts?
What DOES functional mean? Is it a relationship that empirically works, or is it one that feels more real?
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I struggle with the same problem as Lia does. Even being in a healthy, stable relationship for years, I'm constantly comparing relationships to try and understand what's functional and what's sub-par. I'm always looking for something wrong. My image of what a relationship is has been tainted by the past, causing me to question and compare everything.
I also wonder if twisted memories leave us in comparison mode 24/7. We forget the bad things and remember the fire that our non-functional relationships had. After all, there must be some reason for us to think back to someone else when everything in our current relationships are normal and healhy.
My ex was someone who lit this insatiable passion in me, shared my fantasies, finished my sentences, knew what I wanted to eat without asking... He just clicked with my soul. But did that mean he satisfied me? The REAL me? The EVERYDAY me? No. The realistic me knows that he didn't. I couldn't trust him to be a real man - to do what mattered most. And when he left me, he left a relationship unfinished - without closure. I think that's what makes it hard for people like me to forget it. The problem with these passionate nonfunctional relationships, that could last for months or years, is that they leave you feeling empty when you need someone to count on. For a variety of reasons, that relationship fails to live up to your expectations of functional because of its addictive crack-like highs and lows.
The one whom we inherently search for should be someone who is not only a soulmate, but also someone to rely on. He'll pick up the kids on time, help pay the bills, and understands you had a hard day and need someone to listen. Afterall, isn't that what ultimately makes a relationship functional? One that won't stress you out - one that shares your life with you without ever making you feel inferior? Perhaps a functional soulmate is sometimes less of a romantic, but makes up for it in security, true love, and trust? Aren't these the qualities that last the test of time? We shouldn't give up on passion, but shouldn't we understand that that is not the ONLY thing we look for in a relationship - and different men might express passion in different ways?
So perhaps my question is more, how do we recognize and separate the unrealistic relationships from the functional? How do we stop remembering the past in this false glow and comparing it to the present? Or is this just a normal part of life?
~ Vi
We'd love to hear from others in functional relationships...!
